HALIFAX, NS — As a new term begins on the Truro Agricultural Campus, Gregory Madden prepares to embark on the last year of his degree, and his nearly four year long journey to touch grass.
“My educational journey started the same way that many people do: with the sending and receiving of death threats in a Valorant lobby.” Madden explained. “This mod told me I should ‘touch grass’, and it really changed my whole life.”
Madden, upon receiving this revelatory advice, decided to enroll at the Agricultural Campus in the horticulture program. His parents were shocked.
“After he bought that ghastly body pillow, I thought for sure I’d be stuck with a degenerate for a son.” Madden’s mother explained tearfully. “But then, he made this big change. He dropped his screen time from 15 hours a day down to 12 and got some semblance of a life. It was a wonder to see.”
It wasn’t an easy adjustment however. Touching grass proved more fraught with dangers than he originally presumed.
“The first day we went outside for class I was terrified.” Madden explained, shivering. “My milky-white gamer-boy hands burned in the light of the sun. I could feel the grass beneath my shoes and it terrified me. It was like a thousand tiny hands reaching up, attempting to claw me away from the comfortable sands of gaming. I ran and ran until I reached the edge of downtown Truro, which was for about five minutes, but I was a gamer so you can’t expect me to have run further than that.”
He persevered however, to the shock of everyone around him.
“I have never seen a bigger change in one of my students” George Barns said. “He started off my vegetable production class wearing basically a hazmat suit whenever we went outside. Now, he’s engaged in class and even managed to touch a zucchini without gloves. It wasn’t technically grass, but it was good enough for a pass from me.”
What’s next for Gregory Madden? He has some ideas.
“My Valorant mod/life coach has advised me that I need to learn to ‘respect women’, but I think I’ll take a gap year before I take any Gender Studies courses.”
By Samuel MacDonald