HALIFAX, N.S. — As the votes from the Google Form are electronically tallied, a shocking victory for the Dalhousie Student Union president position went to write-in candidate “Jug of Expired 2% Milk,” with an alarming 17,345 votes.
“This has actually been the highest voter turnout on record for the DSU,” says newly elected DSU Vice President Michael Michaels, who is now the second-in-command to a dairy product past its best-before date.
After it was announced that this upcoming election would have a write-in option for the first time, the campaign for the jug of milk started as a joke. After being posted by various Dalhousie meme pages on Instagram, X (formerly Twitter), and r/Dalhousie, its campaign quickly gained waves of traction amongst the student body. This outpouring of support for the famed jug drew criticism from those claiming that this was a show of “immaturity” from the Milkers (the fanbase’s chosen name) and demonstrated a willingness to “not take student organizations seriously at all.”
It was unclear whether it was an anti-establishment philosophy that overtook the hearts and minds of the students, or just a more general “wanting to see the world burn” perspective that motivated the Milkers. Milk’s first act as DSU President was placing various armed snipers in the Killam with orders to shoot people talking too loudly on sight; this is what earned Milk its famed 100 per cent approval rating.
From here, Milk managed to decrease student tuition by 80 per cent across all programs, effectively making Dalhousie the most affordable university to ever exist. When asked for comment on how this was even possible within the boundaries of the student union, Milk said nothing and did not seem to possess the ability to speak.
Recently, videos circulated on social media of the jug of expired milk being drunk by a local OnlyFans model in a cow costume. However, this ended up having no negative effects whatsoever on its presidency, as most students held the opinion that the video was “pretty hot” and they were “jealous of the OnlyFans model” because “expired milk is dummy thick.”
Just as Milk’s reign seemed unstoppable, calamity struck. There was a frightening assassination attempt performed while it was sleeping in its one bedroom fridge on Robie Street on March 16 at 3:24 a.m.
The alleged assassin, the much less popular Michael Michaels, in a statement to the press said, “I was just so fucking tired of being overshadowed by a goddamn jug of expired milk.”
While it is expected Milk will make a full recovery in hospital, it has withdrawn its presidency, with a lawyer speaking on behalf of Milk stating, “Milk has done all it can for the people, and just wants to live a quieter life with its grandkids in Florida.”
The jug of expired 2% milk will go down in history as a campus hero.
By Jake Waldner