HALIFAX, NS— Divest Dal, a Dalhousie student society, has its sights set on pressuring the university to liquidate its endowment holdings in fossil fuel giants, investing instead in more environmentally friendly companies.
Last month, representatives from Divest Dal attended an online Teams meeting of Dalhousie’s board of directors, in hopes of making ground on their so-far-ignored calls to action. Board members clearly took no interest in Divest Dal representatives, instead spending the meeting voting on jersey designs for their upcoming ‘ExxonMobil Softball Tournament™’. When representatives of Divest Dal were finally given the time to speak, an ear splitting rumble was heard, continuing for the remainder of the meeting.
While Divest Dal representatives were very confused, board members were reportedly grinning from ear to ear. It soon became apparent that the oil rig situated in the back of Deep Saini’s office had begun actively drilling, creating far too much noise for anyone to be heard over the machine’s endless drone.
As a result, Divest Dal members moved to the Teams chat in an attempt to have their demands heard. Ignoring them completely, “Listen to that baby purr!” was sent by one board member in reference to the rig. “Pipeline! Pipeline! Pipeline!” said another.
“What the hell is happening?” said one of the Divest Dal members as the meeting descended into chaos. The remark was met by the meeting moderator reminding the student to watch their language.
“Kick them the fuck out Deep!” added a board member.
The President’s Office has released a statement, saying that Divest Dal’s demands are far too crude, and will need to be refined before their ideas can be entertained by the board.