HALIFAX, NS — Another Mercury retrograde has come and gone, but the disturbance to Dalhousie University’s student body continues to echo. Some students have come forward and shared their experiences with the backward moving planet and its disruption of everyday life.
Beth Miller, a sociology major, explained the threat that Mercury poses. “Mercury goes into retrograde four times a year and every time it happens, it’s at the worst possible times! Why does the retrograde that disrupts communication have to happen so often? It’s honestly a miracle that society doesn’t collapse each time it happens.”
Mason Garcia, a biology major, further expanded on the powers of Mercury. “During a Mercury retrograde, all communication stops working. You can’t upload any assignments to Brightspace because of its power,” he explained, while searching Co-Star for advice. “It’s really unfortunate because all my assignments were finished, but the cosmos refused.” Garcia was alerted that several students testified that Brightspace was still fully functional during the retrograde. He responded by explaining that he hadn’t bothered to check because he was busy charging his crystals up in case of a spiritual power outage.
Commerce major Leroy Teigan found himself more affected by the Retrograde than his best friend. “My mom and I were talking about the retrograde and I think the reason why she was fine but I wasn’t was because she’s a Capricorn and I’m an Aquarius. As an earth sign, she’s less attuned to the world than me, while I am deeply affected by everything the universe tells me.” Due to his nature as an empath, Teigan has made a sizable amount of money since he started selling ‘I Survived the Mercury Retrograde 2023’ T-shirts.
Although these students have faced the brunt of Mercury’s devastating power, the Halifax transit system has been fucked since the Mercury retrograde as well, uniting the entire student body against Mercury. Supposedly, Dal administration is drafting an email to ask the planets not to enter retrograde, complete with a full stellar calendar depicting when their retrogrades would have the most detrimental effects on Dalhousie students.
By Samuel MacDonald