HALIFAX, N.S. — Dalhousie is expecting a phenomenal soccer season in the 2025/2026 school year. In anticipation of the season, the school has released a sneak peek at the team’s roster, with player stats and bios.
Calvin Johnston
Height: 5’9”
Weight: 175 lbs
Position: Goalkeeper
Kevin Johnson
Height: 6’1”
Weight: Never ask a lady her weight
Position: Right Fullback
John Sonkevin
Height: 5’11” on his tippy toes
Weight: 17,678 jelly beans
Position: Left Fullback
Derek Derek
Height: 65’2”
Weight: Approximately one harbour hopper
Position: Bareback
Jumbo:
Height: 5’5”
Weight: 168 of feathers or 168 lbs of bricks
Longest Relationship: With Club Penguin girlfriend when he was in fourth grade
Kelly Clarkson:
Height: 5’4”
Eye colour: Hazel
What doesn’t kill him makes him: Stronger
Squirrel Boy
Height: of a squirrel
Recent google search: Where to find big nuts
Dick Wood
Height: ranges between 5” and 6.5”
Favourite body part: Weenis
John Smith
Grandparents names: Gumpo and Jamba
Guilty pleasure: Punching walls and calling his mom a bitch
Ethnicity: Wonder Bread white (obviously)
Ken Davenport
What he got on his last exam: Ketchup
Biggest fear: Being loved out of pity rather than true affection
Hamster’s name: Pizza Pop Tart (the second)
Ben Davenport:
Darkest secret: When he was 11, he let his brother’s hamster out of its cage and allowed it to play outside, watching helplessly when a bald eagle swooped down and grabbed it with its talons, flying away to feed it to its nest. That hamster was the only thing Ken has ever truly loved, and Pizza Pop Tart (the first) was never seen again. To this day, Ken believes the hamster escaped its cage.
By Sam Creighton