HALIFAX, N.S. — Dalhousie is expecting a phenomenal soccer season in the 2025/2026 school year. In anticipation of the season, the school has released a sneak peek at the team’s roster, with player stats and bios. 

Calvin Johnston

Height: 5’9”

Weight: 175 lbs

Position: Goalkeeper

Kevin Johnson 

Height: 6’1”

Weight: Never ask a lady her weight 

Position: Right Fullback

John Sonkevin

Height: 5’11” on his tippy toes

Weight: 17,678 jelly beans

Position: Left Fullback

Derek Derek

Height: 65’2” 

Weight: Approximately one harbour hopper 

Position: Bareback

Jumbo: 

Height: 5’5”

Weight: 168 of feathers or 168 lbs of bricks

Longest Relationship: With Club Penguin girlfriend when he was in fourth grade

Kelly Clarkson: 

Height: 5’4”

Eye colour: Hazel

What doesn’t kill him makes him: Stronger

Squirrel Boy

Height: of a squirrel

Recent google search: Where to find big nuts

Dick Wood

Height: ranges between 5” and 6.5” 

Favourite body part: Weenis 

John Smith

Grandparents names: Gumpo and Jamba

Guilty pleasure: Punching walls and calling his mom a bitch

Ethnicity: Wonder Bread white (obviously)

Ken Davenport

What he got on his last exam: Ketchup

Biggest fear: Being loved out of pity rather than true affection

Hamster’s name: Pizza Pop Tart (the second) 

Ben Davenport: 

Darkest secret: When he was 11, he let his brother’s hamster out of its cage and allowed it to play outside, watching helplessly when a bald eagle swooped down and grabbed it with its talons, flying away to feed it to its nest. That hamster was the only thing Ken has ever truly loved, and Pizza Pop Tart (the first) was never seen again. To this day, Ken believes the hamster escaped its cage.

By Sam Creighton

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