HALIFAX, N.S.– Dalhousie University’s resources and extensive list of well respected researchers have allowed fourth-year neuroscience student, Bilal Khan, the opportunity to receive a Neuralink brain chip implant.
In the days following the procedure, Khan stated it was a ‘resounding success.’
“It is awesome. Human innovation at its finest. Technology and humanity have become one. I am both the iPad AND the baby,” Khan said in a statement to The Mackerel.
Khan’s peers, however, were not as impressed by the groundbreaking technology.
“If he’s in a spot with bad service, he will sometimes buffer mid sentence. The longest pause was five minutes. We had already left the room, but when his brain loaded he just continued exactly where he left off,” said Khan’s roommate.
“I keep airdropping scary pictures to [Khan’s] brain. It jumpscares him every time. Classic,” said a classmate of Khan’s.
The experience took a turn for the worse, as Khan entered sleep mode following a campus Wi-Fi crash. Khan was quickly rushed from the Killam Library to the nearest Eastlink, where he remains bedridden as they prepare him for his reboot.
By Sam Creighton