HALIFAX, NS — On this beautiful morning, many Dalhousie residence students were awoken by the soothing sounds of construction. However, upon venturing outside to attend their various classes, many students were shocked to find an oil drilling apparatus being installed in the Studley Quad. Concerns began to mount as an increasing number of instantly forgettable men in suits started swarming the site, cackling about “black gold.”
In response to concerns about the apparatus, the Dalhousie administration made its position quite clear.
An email from the board of directors detailed the following, “We don’t want you here anymore. We’ve tried raising tuition several times, but, frankly, this whole charade is made so much simpler and more lucrative by just cutting out the middleman and digging for ourselves. Besides, there’s no real harm being done, most of you don’t go to class anyway.”
Responses from the community have been somewhat mixed. Marian Michaels, a third-year architecture student, was deeply concerned by the developments.
“I can excuse depriving thousands of people of the opportunity to attend an institute of higher learning out of greed, but I draw the line at destroying historical buildings. I mean, fuck the raggedy-ass Killam, but the others are memorialized moments in time,” she explained.
The Dalhousie administration reassured her by explaining that it had a long, documented history of valuing property over human welfare.
On the other hand, the engineering students, whose campus was unaffected by the drill’s installation, suddenly had co-op positions popping up right in their backyard. Richard Morris, a second-year engineering student, shared his thoughts with The Mackerel.
“It’s incredible,” Morris explained, twisting a Ring Pop he insisted we call his ‘iron ring.’ “I thought I was going to have to wait at least two more years before selling out, but opportunity has come a-knocking. I can almost taste the groundwater getting worse already.”
In a press conference, the Dalhousie administration detailed its plans to the press.
“We intend to transform the main campus from a money sink of higher learning into a thriving company town. The residences will go from storing miscreants to housing the thrifty working class. The Dalplex will stay, but gain a new position of prestige as the training centre for our accomplished and important rig workers. If this venture works out, perhaps we’ll look for natural gas under the Truro campus.”
By Samuel MacDonald