HALIFAX, N.S. — Following the Dal Tiger’s publicized crash-out over the university’s failing sports teams (see opinions section), the athletics administration saw fit to remove all sports until the scandal subsided. In the meantime, sports enthusiasts will not be lacking in entertainment, as the University of King’s College has agreed to fill-in for Dalhousie’s sports teams by creating their own.
These new sports teams are King’s-forward, a decision Dalhousie’s athletics believed best signified their distance from the Tiger. The new teams and a small description of them is as follows:
Slam Poetry Team: This sport combines the well known sport, wrestling, with the writing and reciting of poetry. Athletes face each other one-on-one in a ring and must recite poems to each other from memory while wrestling. Points are scored based on originality of the poem, smoothness of delivery and physical strength. The round ends when an athlete is either forced to tap out or forgets their lines. This sport is perfect for students who like poetry and to roll around with members of the same sex while wearing a tight, sweaty uniform. While created with King’s students in mind, Dalhousie students are welcome to try out.
Jousting Team: King’s is reviving this medieval sport for all students who wish to live out their knight in shining armour dreams. Jousting tournaments will take place in the King’s gym — ”The Kingdome” — with horses provided by Dalhousie’s agricultural campus. Amid concerns about the dangers of this sport, the athletics administration has determined that the sport being “really fucking sick” outweighs its dangers.
Discus Team: Like the slam poetry and jousting teams, the discus team will pay homage to a popular contemporary sport while also nodding to the past. Athletes will compete in the familiar sport of discus throwing but will be required to wear historically accurate ancient Greek clothing and must recite five lines of Homer (in its original Greek) before throwing. Points will be scored based on the distance of the throw, the athlete’s costuming and their pronunciation.
Chariot Racing Team: With an influx of donation money gathered to add a new building to King’s campus, the university has instead decided to use this money to transform the quad and parking lot into a chariot racetrack. Like the jousting team, the chariot racing team will borrow horses from Dalhousie’s agricultural campus. King’s plans to turn the basement of Alexandra Hall into a stable to house them. Many students, faculty and staff are left concerned as to where they are now supposed to park. King’s has failed to answer this question or make plans to resolve the parking problem.
Lip Syncing for Your Life Team: Taking the premise from RuPaul’s Drag Race, this sport will take the fantastical energy of drag race and heighten the stakes. Athletes will train to flawlessly lip sync to popular songs and practice executing improvised choreography. Athletes will lip sync battle one-on-one and will be ranked by a panel of judges. The lesser performer will be taken to the basement of the Arts and Administration Building, never to be seen again.
Philosophizing Team: This sport provides exercise for the mind rather than the body. Athletes will sit alone, in a robe by the fireplace and contemplate their existence. What’s real and how do we know it’s real? Even though these questions have been discussed for hundreds of years, people are still talking about them. Instead of talking, this sport encourages pretentious students to just think about it in their heads. Students are encouraged to sign their annoying friends up for this team. Their consent is ideal but not necessary.
Chain Smoking Team: This sport is designed specifically for King’s students who do not have the lung capacity for the other physical sports. Smoking tournaments will take place at “Plato’s Cave” on King’s campus each morning during the 10 minute break in the foundation year program lecture. Athletes will compete to see who can smoke the greatest number of cigarettes within these 10 minutes. Winners will receive bragging rights and an appointment to the Dal Health clinic.
Though these teams were created with the interest of King’s students in mind, The University of King’s College invites all interested King’s and Dalhousie students to audition or try out for these teams.
By Lauren Sooksom