With STI clinics shut down province-wide due to limited lab capacity, Dalhousie administration
has become increasingly concerned for the sexual health of its students. As such, the bold
decision has been made to add a recycling bag to The Penis Statue. Now, the statue serves as a
constant reminder of the risks associated with sex to all those who frequent the corner of
Seymour Street and University Avenue.
“We honestly lucked out with this one. How many universities can say they have a penis
statue ready to go when an opportunity arises like this one?” Chuck Preston, a representative
of the university, explained.
“And the fact that the artist chose to make it so clearly infected? Honestly, this couldn’t
have worked out more in our favour” he continued. “If this campaign sees positive results —
and we’re quite certain it will — we may even consider erecting a statue of a pregnant woman
nearby as a reminder of the further risk of unplanned pregnancy. As my mother always told me:
just because I was no longer a teenager, doesn’t mean you weren’t an accident!”
Dalhousie hopes that the graphic imagery, which some are calling too brazen for a
public space, will serve as a grave reminder of what can occur when proper precautions are not
taken.
A Professional Take
The head of the faculty of health promotion, Wynonna Earlman, was elated by the
news. “We strive to teach our students the best ways to live healthily,” she said. “Having such a
thought-provoking example of how that can be done right here on campus is really something
special.”
She continued, “such a jaw-dropping, daily reminder is sure to do wonders for the
sexual responsibility of the Dalhousie community.”
Community Response
A reporter with The Mackerel approached a group of suspiciously quiet first-year
students, milling about the statue, gazing thoughtfully in its direction. When questioned, they
explained they were entirely unsure of how to vandalize the statement piece, claiming any
alterations may make it more appropriate, and inherently less funny.
Outcry Over Artistic Liberty
Allistair Longbottom, the model for the original piece, has been outspoken since
Dalhousie announced the news, claiming the metaphorical use of the recycling bag is
“completely unrealistic” and “cheapens” the work. “It would feel a lot better — for me at least
— if I could take the damn thing off,” Longbottom said in reference to the recycling bag.
Dalhousie has responded to Longbottom’s complaints, stating that people like him are
the reason others should heed the warning of the statue.