HALIFAX, N.S. — Following controversy surrounding Dalhousie University’s investment in fossil fuel products and services, Dalhousie administration has released a press response to the controversy.
Connor B. Jillian, a representative of the university, gave the following statement; “Hello Dalhousie student body. We at Dal work very little–I mean very hard, to ensure the satisfaction of our students. So when our students started moaning and groaning about our investment choices, we unfortunately heard you. I’m like, this is your money I’m spending here! I earned it fair and square. But nonetheless, we hear your complaints. And while we won’t divest from fossil fuel companies, we will do you one better. In order to balance out our environmental impact, this summer, we will be sending Dal faculty tree planting in B.C.!”
Mackerel reached out to Jillian personally for more insight into this decision.
“A stroke of genius, right? It was all me. Say goodbye to your so-called ‘climate change’” Jillian said as he used air quotes. “Though of course, we have to fund this somehow. So expect another tuition hike next year.”
When asked how he came up with this solution, Jillian declined further comment while sheepishly hiding a Blu-Ray copy of The Lorax behind his back.
By Sam Creighton