HALIFAX, N.S. — In a shocking turn of events that no commerce student had on their 2025 bingo card, global markets plunged into chaos last Friday after the Dalhousie Investment Society (DALIS) executed what experts are calling “the Group Project Recession.”
DALIS, is a student-run organization at Dalhousie University that typically engages in simulated trading and investment research. However, sources indicate that a combination of ego-filled commerce bros, fueled by their Red Bull rep buddy’s decision making and an unfortunate typo in a trading algorithm resulted in the most catastrophic financial event since 2008.
According to sister society, WIBA, the incident began when DALIS members, fresh off a “Best Investing Tips for Beginners to Grow Your Wealth” TikTok search, decided to test their skills on the real market. Armed with a $500 student loan surplus and a dangerously high level of self-assurance, members pooled their funds into a high-risk, high-reward strategy.
Things escalated when their junior analyst, fresh off a coding bootcamp, attempted to automate their trades when messing around in the Bloomberg Trading Lab. A minor decimal placement error turned what should have been a $50 stock purchase into a $500 million market order, instantly causing a major ripple effect across major indices.
“One moment the market was stable, the next, DALIS had shorted Apple, Tesla, and half of the S&P 500. We still don’t know how they managed to sell stocks they didn’t even own,” said one Wall Street analyst.
Panic ensued as hedge funds scrambled to react, only to realize they have been outmaneuvered by a group of students who still split Uber fares. The Dow Jones dropped 2,000 points, the Nasdaq briefly ceased to exist, and the Canadian stock exchange “went for a walk to clear its head.”
Financial institutions and government regulators were quick to respond. The Bank of Canada released a statement calling the incident “deeply concerning,” while the U.S. Federal Reserve simply tweeted “bruh.”
Meanwhile, DALIS members were last seen celebrating their brief dominance over global finance at Split Crow’s power hour. At long last, the legendary promise that every arts student gullibly clings to when stumbling out of Split Crow — “free beer tomorrow!” — was made a reality, courtesy of the DALIS team. Mackerel correspondents were on scene to interview the DALIS president.
However, when reached for a comment, he shrugged and quoted his favourite movie. “The real question is: was all this legal? Absolutely fucking not.”
By Matt MacDonald