HALIFAX, NS— The Halifax Regional Municipality has recently taken long-awaited strides to upgrade the city’s public transit infrastructure. Following reports of inaccurate bus schedules and several bus delays, the HRM has attempted to implement several alternative transportation options, ultimately landing on transforming Citadel Hill into a hub for a city-wide zipline system.
“We have finally found a way to make our transit system more efficient,” said Maggie Sinclair, a representative from Halifax’s department of transportation. “When the complaints first started flooding in, we were unsure how to resolve it. At first, we thought we would hire more bus drivers to fill the gaps, but they were all late all the time. Maybe that’s our fault though for listing ‘terminally late’ as a job requirement on the Indeed listing.”
Following the first failed attempt to improve the transit system, the department of transportation hired 167 rickshaw drivers to make rounds of Halifax. This initiative, however, was quickly scrapped after several of the drivers were too tired from doing wall jumps and tricks to actually take anyone a meaningful distance.
After that, the department of transportation knew they could not mess things up again. This is when they decided to think outside the box. “See, I recently went ziplining in Costa Rica,” said Glenn Plinte, the genius behind the HRM’s new transit system, “I was like, ‘wouldn’t it be awesome if I could do this into the Halifax Harbour?’ and then it hit me. Citadel Hill is the perfect place, it is elevated enough that you can zipline to anywhere you want to go. Point Pleasant Park? Dalhousie University? Jubilee Junction? Hop on the line, it will take you there.”
Plinte’s idea is estimated to bring in millions for the HRM. When asked how it feels to be revolutionizing the city, Plinte said, “I am just really happy my genius is finally being recognized, and that Halifax is finally realizing that it is 2023 and we need to reevaluate how we get from A to B. Seriously, it was a long road to get here. Especially with the bus delays.”
By Sam Creighton