HALIFAX, N.S. — The people you live with in university can either make or break you. If you’re lucky, your roommates might end up being some of your lifelong friends. If you’re not so lucky, they may be the reason that you had to add an hour of therapy to your weekly schedule. Either way, they are your roommates, and you are going to have to find some way to live with them.
We at the Mackerel understand that, and decided to make a trustworthy translation guide for all of your roommates favourite phrases so you no longer have to wonder what hidden meanings lay deeper beneath the surface.
“Oh yeah, I’m just letting that pan soak for a bit.”
Translation: I’m going to leave that pan there for 3-5 business days and then gaslight you into thinking it’s not mine.
“Is it ok if I have some friends over later tonight?”
Translation: I am going to invite the most random assortment of people over tonight whether you like it or not and at least two of them will try and go into your room.
“Did you eat my…?”
Translation: This is not a question. I am accusing you of thievery and have already told everyone I know that you stole from me, even though I ate it last night when I was drunk and forgot.
“Hey I’m bringing someone over tonight, do you mind cleaning up your dishes?”
Translation: I know about your “soaking the pan” trick.
“Do you want to drink tonight? Just a few casuals though I have class in the morning.”
Translation: I want to blackout and have a political debate. Also I’m not going to go to my morning class.
“Do you mind keeping it down a bit? I’m trying to sleep, thank you!”
Translation: I hate you and I hope dogs rip out your vocal chords.
“No, I don’t know where that (shared item) went?”
Translation: I’m holding it hostage in my room because I feel entitled to it. Also I hate you.
“I cleaned all my dishes, I think those are yours.”
Translation: Those are definitely my dishes but I refuse to let you tell me what to do.
“I haven’t made food at home this week, so the dishes can’t be mine.”
Translation: Do your dishes or I call the cops.
“Actually, that pan has egg on it and I don’t even have eggs so they can’t be mine.”
Translation: I have eggs every morning and even though I’m certain you are aware of that I’m going to keep gaslighting you, because I know eventually you will cave and do my dishes for me.
“Hmmm weird.”
Translation: I have a special countdown on my phone that tells me the amount of time, down to the second, until our lease is up, and I never have to speak to you again.
By Jonah Schwabb