HALIFAX, NS—A recent poll of the Dalhousie commerce department shows that the vast majority of its students did not know about the ending of what they claim to be their favourite movie.
“I thought it ended at the ‘I’m not fucking leaving’ scene?” said first year student Connor Smith. “Usually once that scene happens, me and the boys get so fired up that we turn the TV off and start losing our minds in a blind fit of lunacy. I figured we were only missing the credits—and who cares about those?”
The poll also showed that the film’s lead character, Jordan Belfort, accounted for 99% of the answers to the question: “Who do you consider to be your idol?”
“He’s the whole reason I’m in this program,” said another student, Dean Baldwin. “I hope that one day my hard work allows me to also be a high functioning addict who’s married to Margot Robbie.”
Upper-year students in the program have had to learn the hard way about the truth behind their chosen profession.
“I started getting suspicious when I tried to do the McConaughey chant as I sat down for an exam and was scolded by one of my professors,” said fourth-year student Steve Trent.
The illusion was shattered for Trent when he sat down to watch the movie with a tinder date who happened to be minoring in film.
“So we were sitting there, and the ‘I’m not fucking leaving’ scene comes on, and I started freaking out as is customary, but she was all like ‘can you please sit down? I want to see the final act,’ and ‘please put your shirt back on,’ and ‘where did you get those Quaaludes?’,” said Trent.