HALIFAX, N.S. — Early in the morning on Jan. 6, law enforcement received reports of a belligerent individual attempting to break into Halifax City Hall. When police reached the scene, they found Carlin Wade, a 22-year-old Dalhousie University student, in nothing but a pair of American eagle boxers — not the brand, but a pair of boxers with an eagle dressed as Abraham Lincoln.
Witnesses claim that as he was apprehended, Wade was overheard yelling, “We must overturn the decision! We do not want new landscaped space at the foot of Citadel Hill!” while attempting to smash a decorative planter that “just kept bouncing and rolling around.”
Once the suspect was in custody, Wade’s lawyer released a statement indicating that at his upcoming trial, Wade intends to plead “vaccinated” to the charges against him. Wade allegedly believes that his recent flu vaccination caused him to become a destructive streaker.
Hearing this, Mackerel reporters were quick on the case and managed to land an exclusive interview with Wade.
Mackerel: What got into you that caused you to make such a scene?
Wade: The woke mind virus injected by the underhanded and evil student intern at Lawton’s Pharmacy. Also known as the vaccine.
M: Okay … But seriously, what got into you?
W: The ingredients? No one knows. I hear they use some of the same ingredients as Dalhousie meal halls … So you know it can’t be good.
M: What makes you so certain the vaccine caused your erratic behaviour?
W: It all started during COVID-19. First of all, they wanted to inject me with Pfizer, and I’m like, Pfizer? I mean, I’ve met her once or twice, and I’ve definitely thought about it before. But she’s not my type. Shortly after I refused the vaccine, I saw both sets of grandparents and my little cousins, who were all vaccinated. And guess what? All four grandparents passed away from COVID, and my little cousin was diagnosed with autism. Before he was vaccinated, he wasn’t autistic. He just really loved trains. That’s when I knew the vaccines were suspicious.
M: Did you notice any other adverse effects from the flu vaccine?
W: My arm was a little bit sore after, yeah. And you know a lot of people say that vaccines turn you gay, but that’s a big misconception. I’ve been feeling more of a pansexual vibe.
M: What do you think is suspicious about vaccines?
W: The government wants to microchip us to track our every move. They want access to data about our locations, interests and banking information. The type of stuff that they definitely can’t collect through our phones. I, for one, would hate to be chipped by the government, and I hope the judge understands that and drops the charges against me. I just need this all to blow over before I get my Neuralink installed. I hear it will combat the government programming.
By Sam Creighton