That first smile. A stolen glance. A stolen heart. A stolen car. A stolen identity. A police report. The flashing red and blue lights that dance like two lovers in a kaleidoscope. Listen, listen, listen, we’ve all been there.
Broken and budding romances are my specialty, and I’ve collected a list of fast-beating hearts* who seek balms for their relationship woes. My qualifications? I’m a bit of an empath.
*Identities are obscured to protect the privacy of contributing individuals.
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”I still think if I was better he would have stayed.” — Fran Kafka
A: Yeah, he probably would have. Better for who though, Fran? He had the same low
self-esteem and prowess in bed as Gregor Samsa. A cockroach by any other name. But hey, if your friends say you should get back together with him, then that’s probably the best idea.
”How many red flags should I collect before I let him go?” — Jane Matadoro
A: Be the bull, Jane. Charge directly at the red flags. Maybe when he stabs you with a sword, you’ll know he’s not long-term relationship material. Until then, it’s all entertainment (and unethical), baby! We are talking about bullfighting after all.
”How do I get my mom to stop FaceTiming me while she’s pooping?” — Nada Moré
A: Well, I don’t have any romantic advice for this one. Tell her you won’t come home for the holidays anymore if she keeps up with this shitty behaviour, I guess.
”I ghosted a guy on Tinder for over a week; do I apologize, or just slide back in?” — Nicky Hicky
A: He should apologize to you. Let him know you haven’t appreciated the silence. Turn up the gaslight until the room is illuminated with confusion. Rinse and repeat.
If they don’t reply, friend their dad on Facebook, and let him know that he failed raising his son.
”Oh, the LORE I have for you from past relationships. But here’s a piece of advice: ‘What your man won’t do, his best friend will.’” — Mary Contrary
A: Mary, you saucy minx. You don’t need my advice. Go with grace — or Grace’s best friend, Will.
”How to date in a new city when you’re really bad at dating” — Matthew Broderick
A: Well, your first step has got to be murder. End up on CCTV. That’ll net the best dating profile picture possible. Get prison pen pals and, in your spare time, nurture a cult following. Secure a Netflix documentary deal. Love will spark during this journey.
If that doesn’t work, go to the park and throw frisbees at hot people.
And if that doesn’t work, go on Hinge. Set your location to your city’s financial district. Limit the range to within 10 km — and it is a dealbreaker. Sell, sell, sell!
”We’re in the start of a relationship. Do you have any general advice?” — Stacey Tedson
A: Stacey, baby. Every relationship comes down to one thing: money. You deserve the best — even if that pushes them into bankruptcy. Demand what you are owed.
Additionally, if they ask you to participate in something they are excited about, then shut that down. Their hobbies just represent time they don’t spend with you. If they’re actually as “busy” as they say, then they wouldn’t have time for other stuff in their schedule. (Bonus points if you make them cry when confronting them!)
Recommended reading: Sun Tzu’s The Art of War; Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince; and Sarah J. Maas’s A Court of Thorns and Roses.
”I think I’m starting to over-analyze their quirks. Do I deal with it or try to change them?” — Earl Denouement
A: Earl, there’s only one solution: warp them into a version of themselves that even their mother wouldn’t recognize. Remember that you love them for the things they do for you — not for their own inherent value as a unique person.
”My GF keeps asking if I’d still love her if she was a worm. How do I reconcile this with my debilitating fear of worms? Is it over?” — Chad McGee
A: Let her know that you don’t even love her now. Don’t give her a reason. It’s not you — it’s her.
Better yet, begin faking an elaborate list of symptoms: dizziness, nausea, runny nose, fainting spells, etc. Slowly disentangle your personal lives for the cleanest break possible. Then, after a week, while she’s sleeping, pour two litres of water on your side of bed. Leave a single, live worm on your pillow. (I know you’re scared, but let’s call this day one of exposure therapy.)
Leave forever.
By Penny Teller