HALIFAX, N.S. — In a shocking turn of events, Patrick Merf, a man who has been missing since 1778, has turned up alive on a Halifax pier. Merf is believed to be the last surviving member of a group known as Barrett’s Privateers.
In an interview with the Mackerel, Merf recounted his harrowing experience with the privateers.
“The year was 1778,” said Merf. “I had just gotten my duds in order, because we were bound across the water.”
“Some fishermen had convinced me to cruise the seas for American gold, and I thought to myself, ‘hell yeah, boys trip’ and before you knew it me and the jolly boys were all bound away.”
“But things took a turn when we were sailing near St. John’s. Some of the boys got crazy trashed and I tell you as long as that bottle was passed around, every man was feeling GAY. Kissed a whole lotta homies that night. Sucked a whole lotta dick. You really discover yourself on the open ocean.”
“It was after all the gay shit wrapped up that I fell asleep. Next thing you know, I wake up in a coffin with nothing but a bottle of whiskey at my side. When I flip the lid of the coffin open, I am floating in the middle of the ocean. It’s what I get for falling asleep first at the boys sleepover, I guess.”
Merf revealed that in the 248 years that have followed, Merf survived adrift at sea, using the bottle of whiskey to hunt for seagulls that flew overhead. A recent weather system in the Atlantic washed him ashore in the Halifax harbour.
“I didn’t find a single bar of gold in 248 years at sea? What am I, some type of fucking idiot? I am completely and utterly broken,” Merf concluded.
By Sam Creighton