HALIFAX, N.S. — Another Dalhousie Student Union election has come and gone, and in response to a shocking polling turnout of three per cent of the student population, the board of directors made the decision to externally hire a new DSU president.
An official job listing posted on Indeed reads as follows:
The Dalhousie Student Union is looking for an experienced and qualified applicant to fill the role of DSU president. Apply ASAP.
Responsibilities
Chief Executive: Must enforce campus policies (with force when necessary) and appoint student representatives of each faculty.
Commander-in-Chief: Oversees the campus Armed Forces (Dal security), making decisions about military operations (Killam’s open hours) and defense matters (when the football team has a home game).
Oversight of intelligence branch: The DSU president must maintain contact and protect the anonymity of the student union’s vast spy network, including but not limited to: Residence assistants, teaching assistants, and undercover first-years at SMU.
Required qualifications:
Dodgeball champion
*Championship title must come from provincial level or higher
- For a high profile political position like this, all applicants are expected to be skilled at dodging any and all questions that may yield an unfavourable answer.
Skydiving certification
- In response to a previous DSU president who described the position like “being thrown from a plane with no parachute,” all applicants are expected to be skydive certified so they are prepared for that exact scenario.
Good secret keeper
- If you gossip with any Saint Mary’s University students, your application will be immediately denied. Successful applicants will be able to keep secrets including DSU budget, spending records and the true location of Walt Disney’s frozen head.
CPR Certified
- In emergency situations, the DSU president is expected to know how to perform CPR in order to prevent another incident like the great choking in 2006, where 47 students choked at once in Risley’s meal hall due to oversized portions.
Six months handling nuclear launch codes *appreciated but not required
Minimum three years experience in child care
- Necessary to maintain working relationship with Dalhousie administration.
Previous experience in coal mine
- This experience demonstrates commitment to the principles of Dalhousie University, and ensures the hiring board that a prospective DSU president will not push for divestment from the mining industry.
Note: A successful applicant must not be any of the following; A virgin, enrolled in commerce, enrolled at Dalhousie University, or named Kevin.
By Sam Creighton