HALIFAX, N.S. – Students in PHIL0231 were in for a surprise this weekend upon spotting their professor, Dr. Schneider, hand in hand with an unbeloved PHIL0043 professor, Dr. Sherman. The two were seen walking along the waterfront, prompting onlookers to question the nature of their relationship. Further research revealed that the two are married.
“I knew that something was up when he used the same black-on-navy powerpoint format she had,” one student commented “I couldn’t believe someone else would use such an unreadable colour scheme, but it all makes sense now!”
Another student added: “It was the twenty-third page, Chicago Style, single-spaced essay that made me connect the dots. When Dr. Sherman said she was married I was shocked, but then I met Dr. Schneider and it all made sense, only someone equally sadistic could love her.”
Dr. Schneider has boasted a 30 per cent passing rate in PHIL0231 for the past five years, while Dr. Sherman comes just above him with a 35 per cent passing rate. Each of their class averages have dropped 10 per cent since the two tied the knot in 2007. Reportedly, the wedding had a guestlist of 120, however only 15 showed up.
The couple have four children, Braeighlynne, Dhanyael, Vhyolette and Jonneigh, who they are planning to bring up in the family business. “We practice mumbling for at least three hours a week, and whoever has the least legible writing gets extra dessert,” Dr. Schneider explains. “Vhyolette is a natural, she’s already got her classmates feeling stupid for not grasping difficult concepts.”
When asked how they would be spending Valentine’s Day, Dr. Sherman told the Mackerel that her and her husband intend to spend the evening grading papers and assigning readings. “Nothing gets my husband riled up like giving a student a 20 per cent,” she explained, twinkle in her eye.
We at the Mackerel are happy these two could find at least one person who likes them, and we wish them a happy Valentine’s Day
By Ryan Van De Wiel