HALIFAX, N.S. — A large crowd gathered in the King’s Quad the evening of February 14 after reports of a suspicious man. When police arrived at the scene, they found Xavier Spellman, a second-year early modern studies major, a bow and arrow in hand, wearing only an adult diaper. In clear emotional distress, he was detained by police and four students aim to press charges.
Witnesses claim Spellman was having some sort of “crashout.” His roommate, Harry Robinson, told the Mackerel that this behaviour has been going on for weeks.
“It was mid to late January when he started acting strange. I think he’s been pretty lonely, you know, romantically. He kept getting rejected on Hinge, and I could tell it was getting to him.”
According to Robinson, Spellman’s low spirits changed after learning about ancient love spells in his magic, science and the occult class. Spellman decided to solve his romantic troubles by creating a historically accurate bow and arrow, modeled after Cupid’s.
“He whittled it all himself,” said Robinson. “I think he stole a branch from one of the trees in the quad. No clue where he got the arrowheads from, I hope they were dull. There are still wood shavings all over our room.”
On the evening of Valentine’s Day, Spellman took to the quad to hunt for his true love, or just anyone he could enchant into wanting him. Witnesses state his first “crush” was hit by an arrow, which was thankfully too dull to do any real damage, before he skipped over to her and handed her a rose. When she rejected his gesture and instead said “What the hell is your problem, freak?” Spellman’s demeanor changed.
“He started screaming at the sky,” said Paula Shafting, a student who watched events play out from their broken window. “I think he was cursing God, maybe? Just screaming ‘Why am I alone? Am I gonna die a virgin?’ stuff like that. But it didn’t keep him down for long, since he repeated the process three more times, the last girl seemed into him though. They make a cute couple. Good for them.”
Spellman is currently in police custody, and is facing a sentence of up to 10 years for aggravated assault, unfortunately though, his new girlfriend did not want to do long distance, and they ended things. Spellman’s lawyer told the Mackerel he is confident his client won’t find love in prison.
By Lauren Sooksom