Halifax, N.S. — A controversial scientific instrument that started development during the Cold War has been completed by a student at Dalhousie University.
The Fruit Machine was first developed by the Canadian Government during the Cold War to detect homosexuals, who were considered more likely to be exploited by spies. Despite the controversial nature of the machine, engineering student Colin Quonchle has taken it upon himself to create a finished product he has dubbed “the Gaydar.”
Unlike the Fruit Machine of the past, Quonchle’s Gaydar was produced with self-serving intentions rather than concerns for national security.
“I honestly just need a boyfriend,” said Quonchle, “I miss the days of stereotypes where every gay guy could be spotted from a mile away by their scarves, tap shoes and show choir championship trophies.”
“Now whenever I see a guy with painted nails, jewelry and a carabiner on their belt loop they try to tell me they are just a skater boy. I’m like, you aren’t a skater. You are a bisexual.”
Quonchle’s search for a boyfriend has yet to find any leads though, as trial runs of the Gaydar failed due to the sheer amount of gay energy on University of King’s College campus causing the machine to short circuit.
“I have run the numbers a million times. I can’t figure out where the problem is. Is it the Doc Martens? The chain smoking? There is only one logical explanation… Everyone at King’s, man, woman or otherwise identifying individuals, they are all at least a little bit gay,” said Quonchle.
By Sam Creighton