HALIFAX, N.S. — After the well-received move to start charging for proof of enrollment letters, Dalhousie University continues plans to grab students by their ankles and shake them until all their change falls out. The sin of greed truly knows no bounds, and the next corner of the soul targeted for infection is the Student ID.
For the low-low price of a measly $80, the six numbers that follow B00 in your ID can be changed to “literally whatever you want,” as detailed in a memo issued to all current students and faculty. Reportedly, nothing is off the table. This glorified microtransaction has seen a lot of praise from more juvenile students, who seem to have more money than they can responsibly handle who just want to put “commerce pride” on their ID card.
While Dalhousie only handles the sale of IDs between the institution and individuals, due to the fact that there cannot exist duplicate IDs, an illegal underground resale market has surfaced for IDs that are highly sought after. Some of the most popular ones currently are “B00fuuuck,” “B00bies;)” and “B008====D”. These are among the IDs that are worth at least four figures each on the black market. This has transformed what was originally a scam, on par with paying for account verification on X (formerly Twitter), into a way that a second year engineering student holding “B00rizzler” can now pay this month’s rent.
Unfortunately, all good things have to come to an end. One student taking a database course purchased B00’);DROP DB tuitionDB;– which effectively destroyed the records of everyone’s tuition payments, causing a mass internal refund of all fees back to the student body. In light of this, Dalhousie has suspended the program entirely, and the student responsible for the Structured Query Language injection has been reportedly thrown in prison on McNab’s Island, where they will attend online classes in between waterboarding sessions.
By Jake Waldner