Lower Deck To Lose Millions In Revenue
Popular Halifax bar ‘The Lower Deck’ has been scrambling ever since the news broke. The Mackerel reached out to management, with operations manager Keith Doyle commenting, “I just don’t see how we can recover from this — over half of our revenue comes from people ordering new drinks after spilling their glasses from pounding the table during ‘Paddy Murphy.’ Sure we can still play the song, but how can we expect nearly as much gusto knowing what we know now? My mother would be upset at me for saying this, but goddamnit do I wish that bastard was dead.”
When suggested that a celebration of Paddy’s return to the public eye could be a potential money maker, Doyle retorted, “No one even knows who Paddy Murphy was or what he did— honestly, until I found out he was alive, I thought he was fictional. All I care about is fists pounding tables.”
‘Our Drinks Will Always Be Full’ Claim Maritimers
In a poll of Maritime self-proclaimed ‘casual drinkers’, 85% responded that excessive alcohol intake had little to nothing to do with Paddy Murphy’s death, and would continue to binge drink regardless of the news.
Boys Claim Sobriety Still In Distant Future
The night that Paddy Murphy allegedly passed away, many of the boys reportedly were ‘loaded drunk’ at an event in commemoration of Murphy.
It was reported at the time that they were yet to sober, even days after the event. Some even went so far as to say they were ‘feeling gay.’ The Mackerel was able to get in touch with several of the boys, all of which claim they have yet to sober up after the legendary night, and may even have to ‘get on one’ in celebration of Paddy’s return.
Conspiracy Theorists Validated
“Big Sea-Shanty has been covering this up for YEARS!… All so they could continue to scoop up the hundreds of dollars generated by the local music scene every year.”
— Orville Williams, founder of www.murphygate.com
Last Seen On Halifax Pier
Murphy’s wife, Myrna, claims to be shocked by the news, having last seen him on a Halifax pier. “Knowing now that he fled, I would have expected him to be bound for Liverpool or Spain — never in a million years would I have suspected Malaysia,” explained Myrna. “In all this turmoil, I’m sure he wishes he was in Sherbrooke now,” she continued.