HALIFAX, N.S. — Hey Horndogs, Persephoney here. Writing to you once again from my Howe Hall dorm room. This time with some spicy, sexy tips to help vamp up your sex life. I think we all know that sex can be a pretty tricky topic to navigate, especially with the price of groceries nowadays. But have no fear because Persephoney is here. Though I may be a virgin, I still have a lot of tips and tricks that I have learned via the internet and the sounds that come from my neighbours’ dorm rooms.
Tip #1
Be as loud as possible. If there is anything I’ve learned from my dorm neighbours it is that noise is like 75 percent of the actual act. Boys, don’t be afraid to get creative with this one. Make sure you really present yourself. The more guttural, the better. Girls, try breaking a glass or a lamp on the floor to really liven things up. After all, the louder you are the more comfortable your partner will be.
Tip #2
Wear open toed shoes to each rendezvous. I read online that having a foot fetish is the most common type of fetish. If my sources are correct, there is a high likelihood that you are setting yourself up for success.
Tip #3
Set the mood in your room by putting up some sensual decor. Personally, my Twilight poster always does the trick. With that being said, some people don’t have the luxury of having a framed Edward at the end of their bed. If that’s the case for you I’ve heard that Jacob has similar effects and if you’re really in a pinch, the clown from IT does well too.
Tip #4
Bring protection. The last thing you want when a date starts to get steamy is to be left empty handed. I’ve heard that the lights are usually off during sex so bringing a high-vis vest or a flashlight with extra batteries will surely protect you from whatever lurks in the dark.
Tip #5
Wear something sexy. A funny T-shirt like a classic “I’m with stupid” or “Thing 1/2” will be a great conversation starter and let your partner know that you are down to clown.
By Jonah Schwabb