HALIFAX, N.S. — Forget Halloween, 2026 has been scarier than any horror movie you could watch. Lucky for you, the Mackerel has compiled a list of tips and tricks on how to protect yourself through these scary times.
Beginning with a universal piece of advice, just be hot. Uggos famously never make it to the end. Consider investing in a good moisturizer and some sort of under-the-counter pharmaceutical enhancement. If that doesn’t suffice, you can either spend thousands on cosmetic surgery, or — if you’re on a budget — be really funny.
The next thing you should focus on is your digital vices. The mobile phone is the cornerstone of all modern problems. Boomers were wrong about a lot of things, but not this one.
Sent a risky text? Avoiding your inbox? Retweet the wrong Korea? Don’t overcomplicate things. Just chuck the whole device. People can’t ask you to do things if you don’t see their messages or activity. It’s science!
Once you’ve safely discarded your cellular device, you’ll find yourself grounded in the real world. Unfortunately, the real world is full of annoying people. One of the scariest things in this life is constantly being subjected to inferior opinions of others.
The best way to cope with being the smartest person in the room is to subtly hint to your peers that you are better than them by using non-linguistic vocal communication. Look at the floor while others are talking, yawn (no matter how early), and if need be, save people from the embarrassment of their own words by interrupting them with yours.
On the flip side, sometimes you meet people who actually have it all figured out. When you’re around people who seem vastly more successful and well-adjusted than you, you may find yourself spiralling — especially if they’re younger than you.
This solution is to tell yourself they’re secretly just as miserable as you. Send their Instagram posts to your friends and laugh at how stupid they look posing on the beach with their smiling families and cute dogs.
Still on the topic of personal relationships, remember that each one you form is just another path to you getting hurt.
Don’t just delete your dating profile — remove yourself from love entirely. Save yourself the inconvenience of being terrorized by a three-and-a-half-month-long situationship from Hinge. The love of your life is probably not going to leave you on delivered for nine hours before texting “heyyy” at 1 AM.
Now that you’ve protected yourself from every form of human interaction, it’s time to take care of number one. There is no shortage of things to be anxious about these days. The appropriate response is to invest in some nicotine to take the edge off.
To avoid the misery involved with losing your vaping device under the couch or in the bathroom, turn it into an accessory. Fidget with the string throughout your day, waiting for the next time you can suckle from its spout like a newborn calf.
If you still find yourself vulnerable in your day-to-day life, you can always shut yourself off from the world and disengage completely. The returns on living are never worth the price of being earnest. There may be people who will try to convince you otherwise, but trust that they will be met with pain and rejection while you stay safe and cozy in a fortress of your own making.
You’re completely safe; nothing can hurt you now.