Editor’s note: This is an extremely humorous version of a Letter from the Editor in issue 159-1 of the Dalhousie Gazette. The ideas and opinions expressed in the article do not reflect those of the Dalhousie Gazette or its staff.
Satire editor’s note: The Mackerel is even further removed from the entire situation and should not even be considered for any possible retaliation that stems from the publishing of this article. Please don’t hurt us.
HALIFAX, N.S. — The Dalhousie Student Union has been a cornerstone of Dalhousie University in the same way the tumour in your grandfather’s brain has been a cornerstone of his problematic personality changes.
The DSU has managed to scrape by for over a century and a half on the premise that “We should probably have one of these, so let’s keep it.” But anyone who has interacted with the organization lately would tell you that it’s past its glory days.
The Dalhousie Gazette is particularly fed up with the DSU. The Gazette has been stonewalled by the DSU multiple times when they’ve reached out for comment on relevant stories.
“The fatal flaw with every student union is that it is run by the students, and students are fucking stupid,” says one anonymous editor-in-chief.
The DSU’s official reasoning for why they refuse to talk to the Gazette essentially boils down to if they accidentally say something wrong to the paper, the paper will write it down. However, you can’t be held accountable for your actions if you refuse to hold a conversation — a foolproof loophole.
After years of rising tension, the Gazette decided to do what any good group of dissidents would do and try to overthrow their masters.
On the night of Sept.17, the Gazette staged a coup of the DSU.
“Honestly, it went better than we ever thought it would,” says one anonymous managing editor. “I expected more resistance from them when we stormed their office, but I’m not really sure they noticed. We took over all of their accounts and voided all of their contracts. It’s been a week since.”
While the Gazette thought they could cleanly take over the DSU’s responsibilities in order to prevent a power vacuum after their coup, they were met with a terrifying realization: they absolutely could run the DSU themselves, but they didn’t want to under the new leadership.
The Gazette’s editor-in-chief was cocky about his ability to run the DSU; however, his efforts led to a vote of no confidence by his own team of backstabbing editors at the Gazette, who decided to let another society at Dalhousie take over in their place.
After much consideration from the editorial team, they chose the Dalhousie K-Pop Society to fill that void.
“I mean it’s a well-oiled machine of lunatics who get shit done,” says one anonymous satire editor. “I haven’t even finished writing this article, and they’ve already sent me a death threat for this part. That’s commitment! That’s what you need.”
The Gazette had done what the United States government never could: perform a successful regime change. However, while they were riding a post-operation high, something much more twisted brewed below.
While it did take a while, the original DSU staff eventually realized they had been replaced by a different society, since it had been a few days since they were berated. They constructed a foolproof plan for revenge against the Gazette: burn down their office.
Displaced DSU members stormed the Gazette’s office in the basement of the Student Union Building with turpentine and matches in the hopes of breaking the spirits of those who had outclassed them. However — just after lighting the first match — they realized the basement office was indeed part of the SUB and they had made a terrible mistake. They tried to shut the door to contain the fire, but fire can go through doors.
The SUB burnt to the ground, scorching all of the K-Pop Society to a crisp in the process.
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
— William Shakespeare, Macbeth